Christmas alone. I'd rather have a problem of geography than living 20 minutes apart from family and never see them. I would like to blame it on my PTSD, this isolation. But, responsibility has a hilarious hiccup that always seems to find and remind. On relationships. If we chose to ignore our accountability to one another then it's up to the individuals to live with the decisions that exclude a family member on everyday of the year.
I want to rage and be mad, but my mind and body is broken. My back is about gone again and don't think I could have cooked a Christmas Dinner anyway. Would be nice to have a brigade of family troupe through and bring a dish. Bringing presents and cheer, filling the house with the holiday spirit. The smell of turkey baking, the site of the desert spread to include all our favorites. But, I'm fantasizing again. So, I put on my armored suit of apathy where even shit slides off and wicked barbed weapons ping but cannot penetrate.
The questions on family would be easier to answer if I said they live farther than an adjacent state. It would be simpler to have holidays and birthdays alone, who knows I might even get out and meet people without the ever hoping loved ones would want to meet. Yep, miles away may help mend a broken me. Find a community and reach out before I go visit to make a decision on where I setup the last 40 years of my life. I'm almost certain it'll be New Mexico or Colorado.
I don't have any answers today. I'm one of those veterans who if I killed myself they would say, "We should of seen this coming." I live alone, have loose connections with most of the people and family I associate with. I have insights into PTSD, but it doesn't change how it affects me. It doesn't change how people perceive my stigmatized ass either.
Read the complete post at http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/PtsdASoldiersPerspective/~3/YYgbgLu1lnw/christmas-alone.html
Posted
Dec 23 2012, 10:06 AM
by
PTSD: A Soldier's Perspective