It’s Friday morning and my husband leaves the house for the VA to attend one of his support groups and I’m left home alone. I use the time to vacuum (a noisy chore that may upset my husband), empty the dishwasher (another noisy chore that may startle him), and throw in a load of laundry. It is a scene of domestic normality as the cat follows me from room to room curiously observing me dust and mop. I spray down the kitchen counter top and proceed to wipe away the crumbs from breakfast, a mindless task that finds me gazing out the French doors. On the wall, the new 2010 calendar just recently hung briefly catches my attention and I move in for a closer look to check some of the appointments I have jotted down.
Hubby’s VA group
Hubby’s Psychologist appointment
Hubby’s Primary Care Physician appointment
Hubby’s Nurse Practitioner appointment
...and on, and on, and on
Hmmmm….hubby, hubby, hubby. I flip through the months and the only appointment I can find for myself is my bi-annual teeth cleaning. What the ***! What about me? Where is my support group? Where is my psychologist? Oh ***, am I feeling sorry for myself?
Break out the violin, send for the waaaaambulance, do you want some cheese with that whine? Boo fucking hoo….but I still can't stop myself from wondering who’s in my corner cheering me on? “You’re doing great….you are a strong and resourceful woman” Nah, it’s not happening. And just like the sugar crash that comes after drinking a giant Red Bull I suddenly feel incredibly guilty. How dare I detract from his suffering, how dare I question why he needs so much therapeutic rehabilitation?
Let me just say this.......it is okay to have those thoughts and feelings. What is not okay is to allow those feelings to become the "elephant in the room". It is there, and it is real. Please discuss with your combat vet the fact that you may need to seek some help. His problems and your problems should not become dueling banjos competing for the number one spot. You need to seek support.....just as much for yourself as for your vet. You need to remain strong and yet allow yourself to recognize the vulnerability in yourself because you are human.
Read the complete post at http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/PtsdASoldiersPerspective/~3/gn7t0GlGzrE/its-my-pity-party-and-ill-cry-if-i-want.html
Posted
Jan 20 2010, 11:57 PM
by
PTSD: A Soldier's Perspective