I want to talk about a conversation that my girlfriend and I had today. We were exploring a conversation that my son and I had about his break up with his girlfriend (got all that?). I told her (my girlfriend) that I admitted to my son that I wanted to get drunk and high and used this as a premise to talk to him about not self-destructing his whole life because a part of it was fucked up. Of course he admitted the same as I and in doing so we had a good conversation. More on this a little later...
Now, to inform you of what has fucked my life up so much lately that makes me want to get fucking drunk....hhmmm...well, I fucking failed my practicum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I-fucking-failed-my-practicum! I had a 3.52 GPA, until I fucking failed my internship. I was informed of this last week and have been holding it together rather precariously. This set back will not allow me to graduate this May AND I will not be able to graduate with my bachelors until May of 2011!!!!!!!!!! So instead of attaining my Masters degree in 18 months I will do so in 30 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ***.
I was short 12 fucking hours of a total 225 in my internship. I have not received any grade lower in my social work classes than a fucking B. For the last fucking year I have been struggling to complete classes and have pulled out of each semester with flying fucking colors. All the faculty at school fucking knew of the fucking difficulties that I have fucking been going through. ***, hospitalized for suicidal ideation a year ago. ***, cold not get a therapist for eight months. ***, all the while keeping my SOCIAL WORK professors and faculty up to date about my situation.
The first couple of times I my professors looked genuinely empathetic, but that *** went right out the fucking door, after that I could see in their faces the fucking doubt. These fucking people are supposed to fucking understand more than most other fucking people. "uh sir it is totally great that you held your *** together enough to get 99% of your *** done...but sorry about that 1% it is just not good enough. Yes, we understand you are one of the best students in class. Yes, we understand the difficulties you had in your practicum and that your midterm and final reviews were excellent. No, we do not understand how the areas that you needed to work on were connected to why you did not complete the prescribed hours. Yes, we understand that you did not have adequate supervision even though the two and a half hours were under the formal guidelines. No, we do not see how mentoring would have made a difference or would have met the other requirements on our part for a successful semester for you. So, we damn you to hell.
How does all this tie together? Let me tell you, remember when I was discussing the conversation between my son and I with my girlfriend? Well, let me fucking lay it out, I told her about admitting the urge to get drunk to my son. Her response to that was, "I knew it, I told you so...blah, blah, blah...meetings...blah, blah, blah...recovery...blah, blah, blah..." (Yes all valid points...but ***...I already heard this and I fucking already know). She totally ignored the touching moment between my son and I and turned the fucking thing around and made it about how right she was and how I...what fucking ever! Did you not fucking hear me? I am in pain, real fucking pain, emotional pain and do I really want to hear how right you are? Really? Is that the best thing for me in a moment like that?
Read the complete post at http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/PtsdASoldiersPerspective/~3/yncTfwQ_fuo/ptsd-veteran-emotional-pain-school.html
Posted
Jan 14 2010, 09:03 PM
by
PTSD: A Soldier's Perspective